Creating a Secure CHURCH
PART 4 : When Things Go Wrong
Chapter 16 : Secure after Conflict
16.5 If you are the OFFENDED
A word to the Offender
If you are the person who feels they have been accused of being the offender, you may think you can read through this Part and use it as ammunition against the person who was offended. You can’t! They alone are responsible for their side of things and you must leave God to speak to them. You have your side of the conflict to deal with and that is just as difficult, so reread the section above or give this a miss and go down to 16.6!
You, the Offended?
What actually happened? Someone came along and attacked you verbally. The form of their ‘attack’ can be varied. It may be they said something that was a personal attack, maybe they accused you of something, maybe they said things which implied rejection of you. They initiated that attack.
The hurt your felt
Why did you react? You were hurt by what was said. They were insensitive, they were brash or arrogant, they were everything except Jesus to you! The result? You felt devastated, you felt angry, abused, insulted or whatever, the list could be endless. They blew it and you reacted in your hurt.
Why the pain?
Why did you feel so hurt? This is an important question if we are to help you be released from it. Was what they said so terrible or was it the last of a long line of things that had come at you? Most of us who are Christians put up with lots of things we feel unhappy about and we just grin and bear it. We put up with one thing after another until finally, a simple word acts like a detonator and we explode. It’s quite probable that what was said to you wasn’t so awful, but yes you genuinely felt it was. Perhaps you still feel the hurt and the thing keeps on going round and round in your mind.
Think about your offender for a moment
There are times when people are genuinely out to get us, but when they’re Christians that isn’t actually very likely. Did that person, who may be less than perfect, go out of their way to hack you down verbally? More likely is that they were just being totally insensitive. In other words they were not intending to put you down, but just didn’t realise the impact on you of what they were saying. Yes, they probably should have, but they didn’t. From where you stood it probably felt like it, but the reality was that they weren’t trying to get you. It’s quite possible they intended a very different outcome, but just hadn’t thought through the situation and hadn’t realised how you were feeling.
WWJD?
How did you cope with their insensitive words? How would you have responded differently if you had been Jesus?
Of course if you had been Jesus you probably wouldn’t have let things build up in you previously and would have spoken the truth out long before this blew.
If you had been Jesus you would probably have understood that actually they were not out to get you, they were just not understanding.
If you were Jesus you could forgive them that; it’s human not to understand.
If you had been Jesus you might have been able to respond, “I’m sorry that’s not right. Look I’m not feeling good about this. What you’ve just said really hurts. I’ve put up with so much that I’ve kept bottled up and I really can’t cope with any more. I’m sorry but I can’t handle what you’re saying, so can we talk this again when I’m feeling better.”
It’s tough being a human being!
It’s tough carrying burdens. It’s tough bottling up stuff because we fear upsetting others. It’s tough having to cope with other people who don’t feel, don’t understand, don’t speak or act as we would expect them too, especially when they are Christians! It’s tough when God says love them. It’s tough because we don’t think we have the resources to do that. It’s tough having to face the fact that we didn’t get it right either, because we fear the consequences of owning up to failure. It’s tough because we fear what others might think of us. It’s tough because we fear we might look silly having to say sorry.
A Two Sided Coin
In every conflict it’s important to see that there are no innocent players. We all get it wrong somehow and when we get it wrong the only way out of the enclosed room is through the door marked confession. Our ‘self’ and pride scream against going through that door, but Jesus says it is the only exit from the room (Mt 6:14,15 / Col 3:13). The door has two keys. One of them is Jesus instruction to love our fellow Christians (Jn 13:34) and the other one is his instruction to pray for those who are against us (Mt 5:44).
A Way Through
In a conflict emotions run high and if you feel hurt, the old life which feels aggrieved wants revenge, wants its pound of flesh. But there may be a way through. Jesus said, “Do to others what you would have them do to you” (Mt 7:12 ), so just for a moment imagine Jesus standing with you. Lay all your pain and anger down at his feet and listen to him. He looks you in the eye and asks, “When you get it wrong, how would you like me to act towards you?”
“I’d like you to love, accept and forgive me please Lord.”
“When you get it wrong, how would you like others to treat you?”
“I’d like them to love, accept and forgive me, Lord”
“Do to them what you’d like them to do to you if the boot was on the other foot.”
A Need to be Honest
We said just now it’s like being locked in an enclosed room and the only door out has the name confession on it. The corridor outside that door is called truth. We know that if we are followers of Jesus we can only walk down the path called truth. That means we acknowledge the truth about others and about ourselves. We’re all imperfect. None of us has the right to claim perfection. Yet in the kingdom Jesus accepts us with our imperfection and requires that we accept each other – as imperfect as we all are.
