Creating a Secure CHURCH
PART 4 : When Things Go Wrong
Chapter 16 : Secure after Conflict
16.6 Walking out Reconciliation
What has happened?
It’s important to remember that what actually happened is usually different from what the parties initially say happened. The reason for that is fairly obvious, each of us sees things from our standpoint and we interpret what we see through our preconceived ideas. The reality was probably quite different.
The Reality of both Parties
For example, as we’ve said in the previously, the ‘offender’ being a Christian probably didn’t intend to offend and cause all the upset, they were simply insensitive. On the other hand the ‘offended’ was probably upset not so much by what was said in this instance but more by the fact that this was the final straw on top of lots of previous things that they had been struggling to cope with, things they had been unhappy about but had bottled up. If we wanted to lay blame, none of us could cast the first stone, we’re all at fault. Yet these things did need facing and dealing with in a proper Scriptural manner. It’s important to understand these things to be able to walk out the future in a good way before God.
Reconciliation
If you are reading this before remedial action has been taken, we hope that you will be encouraged to press on to bring that about. If you’re reading it after reconciliation then we hope the following will simply reinforce what has already happened.
Future Togetherness?
The kingdom of God is intended by Him to be a rule of peace and harmony. Yet He is also aware of our human frailties and weaknesses and knows that it takes time to bring these things after there has been upset. There can be the words of healing and reconciliation but the reality can take a little longer.
The words of reconciliation
Whether it has happened or is about to happen we hope the following words will have been spoken with humility and gentleness:
Offender: “I’m really sorry, I didn’t intend to hurt you, I just didn’t understand the depth of what you were feeling. I realise I also didn’t cope very well with your response and became self righteous in my assessment of you and didn’t seek to reduce your pain by words of love. I’m aware that in each of these ways I failed you and I’m really sorry. Please forgive me.”
Offended: “I’m really sorry I have let things build up in me and I’m sorry that my reaction to you was so violent. I’m afraid I didn’t get the grace of God to respond well to what you said and I judged your motives wrongly. I’m aware that in all these ways I failed and I’m really sorry. Please forgive me my part in all of this.”
Walking out reconciliation
Once we have come to the point of laying down our hurts and our failures before God and before each other, we then have still to hold onto the place of reconciliation, we still have to walk it out in daily life in the days, weeks and months ahead, and to achieve that we need to be aware of the following things.
Every thought Captive
The enemy will want to bring up again the old issues. He will want you to relapse back into the hurt, defensive, pre-reconciliation mode. He will seek to raise negative thoughts about that other party, and your role in the future days will be to deny him that access. The way to do it will be to pray for the blessing and wellbeing of the other party on a daily or weekly basis, or whenever negative thoughts about them arise.
Rebuilding Trust
When a conflict arises like this, one of the long term damaging effects is the destruction of trust. If the other party reacted like that to me on that occasion, might they do it again in the future? That sort of thinking makes us want to stay at a distance from that person. Now the reality may be that you do not live, work or worship in the same area any longer so this is not so much a problem, but if you do it is something to be worked at. Change is needed.
Working for Change
If we are to avoid this happening again, then the ingredients that caused the upset need to be removed, and this will take time, effort, prayer and the grace of God. So what things can we specifically look to remove?
Ingredients of Conflict
The first thing was a lack of truth beforehand. As Christians we’re all prone to trying to take the easy way out, which means keeping quiet when things seem to be happening about which you feel unhappy. We are to be a community of truth, a people who are real, without pretence.
The second thing was a lack of sensitivity towards one another. In the busyness of church life, sometimes we become less than good at caring for one another, understanding one another and feeling where we’re each at. We not only need to be a loving, caring and accepting people, but we also need to be sensitive to one another – and this is a two way thing.
The third thing was a lack of communication, and this is the major cause of all upsets. When we are communicating honestly, sensitively and with a caring heart, we undermine all of the enemies strategies of causing upset through lack of understanding.
The fourth thing was a loss of perspective creating wrong priorities. With the pressures of life comes tiredness and loss of perspective. For any disagreement to become conflict it means we have lost perspective. Things become all-important, and issues, organisation etc. all take on an importance beyond reality. As someone said long ago, “People matter more than things”. In church, people matter far more than issues or organisation or whatever. If we fail one another, we fail!
Into the Future
So we walk into the future, burnt by the past experience but wiser and more sensitive because of it. As Joseph said to his brothers and we can say to Satan, “You intended to harm me but God intended it for good” (Gen 50:20). Yes, the enemy stirred this up to seek to destroy you, but God allowed it to bring you through to a place where you also can be full of grace and truth, just like Jesus (Jn 1:14). May it be so.
